If you know me, and I’ve given you this link to my blog, it’s because I’m willing to let you in. I’ve written a lot of private thoughts and recollections, as well as graphic narrations. A lot of it is filled with emotion, sometimes sadness, othertimes hope. It’s bascially my outlet for expressing what I’m going through in my life, where I am, and how I got here.
I am a transwoman. I was born into a male body, but with a female brain. You can come up with various theories as to how that happened; I know I’ve read my fair share … some positive, some negative. Regardless of what the explination is, we cannot deny the fact that I feel this way. I have chosen to transition, to live as a female, as a woman, for treatment.
I started this blog back in January of 2009, shortly after I realized what I am, because I needed an outlet for myself; a place for me to write my feelings(even if suicidal) and not have my father reading it religiously and calling/emailing me to comment on it, like he does with my other blog. I wanted my own personal outlet.
Once I started to go to therapy, I decided this would become a sort of trans blog, documenting my transition, for future transgirls, and for my cisgendered friends, so that they could gain a glimse into what the life of a transgender is like. Above all else, to show that we’re normal people, we’re not trying to decieve, we’re not the common first assumptions. We’re just everyday girls and boys, who just want the chance to be ourselves. You’re always told to “be yourself” … and more often than not … we can’t be … And we often want nothing more, than to be just that.
So, for those of you who may have randomally found me,
Who am I ? I’m Nicki, and I’m a girl. With an interesting situation … I happened to have been born with male genetalia …
I decided to transition, because I was fed up with living untrue to myself. I was tired of trying to live as a guy, when I was something different. You might think that sex and gender are the same thing, and refer to somebodys sex as their gender, but remember there are two ways to look at it:
Sex is raw. Gender is cooked.
Sex is between your legs, Gender is between your ears.
I grew with my parents pushing male clothes, male toys, and a male lifestyle on me. I grew up with society treating me as male. So if sex and gender are the same thing, there shouldn’t be an issue. But there was. I hated being a boy. I hated having a penis. I hated dressing like a boy. It didn’t fit me. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn’t pinpoint it.
In my case, my sex was male. But my gender was always what you would consider female. I wanted to wear dresses. I wanted to paint my nails. I wanted to wear skirts, dance, and sing, and have long hair. But we don’t let boys do that. We don’t want to see boys in dresses, or with painted nails. I was soft and gentil, fragile, caring … I guess the stereotypical girl stuff … So I tried to be what society wanted, what I wasn’t … all that did was make me socially awkard, give me thoughts of suicide and self-amputation. I missed out on my childhood, because society wanted me to act like a boy.
In 2008, at 20 years old, I finally realized that I wasn’t alone. There were others like me, and there’s a name for what I am: transgender. Since then, I’ve gone to therapy, started hormones, and am working twards living my life as the girl I feel am on the inside. And I’ve never been happier.
I don’t expect you to be comfortable with this. This probably won’t be easy for you … and I know it’s not going to be easy for me. But I want you to know, that I don’t mind talking about it. If you have any questions, please, come talk to me. I would much rather have you ask me, then ask around, and hear it from a third party, or look online, and get an answer that might pertain to somebody else, and not me.
So if you want to see what I’m going through … what it’s like, you can go up and click on “My Thoughts“. I’m also trying out a YouTube video blog to join the transsexual community there, as well some level of advocacy and to help others who will go down my path.
I’ve come to the realization that being a college student it’s going to be quite a while before I can have any type of surgery. If you’d like to donate twards my orchiectomy or srs … you can do so through paypal to eMacAddict [at] yahoo [dot de]. I’ll try to find a way to thank you if you can.
Que sera, sera