If you know me, and I’ve given you this link to my blog, it’s because I’m willing to let you in. I’ve written a lot of private thoughts and recollections, as well as graphic narrations. A lot of it is filled with emotion, sometimes sadness, othertimes hope. It’s bascially my outlet for expressing what I’m going through in my life, where I am, and how I got here.
I am a transwoman. I was born into a male body, but with a female brain. You can come up with various theories as to how that happened; I know I’ve read my fair share … some positive, some negative. Regardless of what the explination is, we cannot deny the fact that I feel this way. I have chosen to transition, to live as a female, as a woman, for treatment.
I started this blog back in January of 2009, shortly after I realized what I am, because I needed an outlet for myself; a place for me to write my feelings(even if suicidal) and not have my father reading it religiously and calling/emailing me to comment on it, like he does with my other blog. I wanted my own personal outlet.
Once I started to go to therapy, I decided this would become a sort of trans blog, documenting my transition, for future transgirls, and for my cisgendered friends, so that they could gain a glimse into what the life of a transgender is like. Above all else, to show that we’re normal people, we’re not trying to decieve, we’re not the common first assumptions. We’re just everyday girls and boys, who just want the chance to be ourselves. You’re always told to “be yourself” … and more often than not … we can’t be … And we often want nothing more, than to be just that.
So, for those of you who may have randomally found me,
Who am I ? I’m Nicki, and I’m a girl. With an interesting situation … I happened to have been born with male genetalia …
I decided to transition, because I was fed up with living untrue to myself. I was tired of trying to live as a guy, when I was something different. You might think that sex and gender are the same thing, and refer to somebodys sex as their gender, but remember there are two ways to look at it:
Sex is raw. Gender is cooked.
Sex is between your legs, Gender is between your ears.
I grew with my parents pushing male clothes, male toys, and a male lifestyle on me. I grew up with society treating me as male. So if sex and gender are the same thing, there shouldn’t be an issue. But there was. I hated being a boy. I hated having a penis. I hated dressing like a boy. It didn’t fit me. I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn’t pinpoint it.
In my case, my sex was male. But my gender was always what you would consider female. I wanted to wear dresses. I wanted to paint my nails. I wanted to wear skirts, dance, and sing, and have long hair. But we don’t let boys do that. We don’t want to see boys in dresses, or with painted nails. I was soft and gentil, fragile, caring … I guess the stereotypical girl stuff … So I tried to be what society wanted, what I wasn’t … all that did was make me socially awkard, give me thoughts of suicide and self-amputation. I missed out on my childhood, because society wanted me to act like a boy.
In 2008, at 20 years old, I finally realized that I wasn’t alone. There were others like me, and there’s a name for what I am: transgender. Since then, I’ve gone to therapy, started hormones, and am working twards living my life as the girl I feel am on the inside. And I’ve never been happier.
I don’t expect you to be comfortable with this. This probably won’t be easy for you … and I know it’s not going to be easy for me. But I want you to know, that I don’t mind talking about it. If you have any questions, please, come talk to me. I would much rather have you ask me, then ask around, and hear it from a third party, or look online, and get an answer that might pertain to somebody else, and not me.
So if you want to see what I’m going through … what it’s like, you can go up and click on “My Thoughts“. I’m also trying out a YouTube video blog to join the transsexual community there, as well some level of advocacy and to help others who will go down my path.
I’ve come to the realization that being a college student it’s going to be quite a while before I can have any type of surgery. If you’d like to donate twards my orchiectomy or srs … you can do so through paypal to eMacAddict [at] yahoo [dot de]. I’ll try to find a way to thank you if you can.
Que sera, sera
The life of a Transgirl 
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I am a 63 y/o cisgender male psychotherapist and I want to congratulate you for your insight into who you are and your courage to use that insight to make a change in your life. The
start of a long journey always starts with the first steps so dothe steps that you can do given what life has given you now and love yourself for the beautiful woman that you are.
I’ve read all of it and truly found wisdom, strength, hope, love with each word. I can’t express more than that. God help all of us who are in this situation, of course I’m speaking about myself as well and it’s been a wonderful life knowing and doing something about it. As far as dealing with society i’ve accepted opinions because everybody has one as well as myself so if they don’t like it that’s not my problem. We are who we are plain and simple. Dee
I know you get a cubic butt tone of responses so I have to make mine stand out. I am currently on active duty and retire in 26 months. I started HRT after weighing the risks. I have watched a couple of videos and would love to be able to count on you as a confidant. Also, have you considered a fetlife account? There are a lot of TG/TV/TS people who could benefits from your experience.
crissy
Hello Grishno, listening to your comment I felt, that you are a real strong women. Going through these hard ways of your life needs to be that strong and straight. Please stay stable and help your community ( may I call them this way). The people, feeling like you need a line to believe and follow. I’m really impressed and want to thank you for your strong and intensive work.
*waves back*
when I saw this, I knew I immediately had to answer it. Although I will claim I am no expert on this, I just have my own ideas and my own experiences.
First of all, this is your experience, not your dad´s. That may sound harsh, but he doesn´t know what it´s like in your head, and he surely doesn´t need to dictate it. Everybody´s experience can be different.
Secondly, I as well do have problems with a gender binary. I´m not sure if I talked about it here or somewhere else, but my gender identity/transgenderness has a few levels. There´s the surface, being transgender. I can easily change my appearance, cut my hair, perform any gender I want. Or no gender. Just be myself, as I feel in the inside. Transgender stuff. Gender stuff.
Deeper though, is the feelings about my body. (transsexuality) What I can´t simply change and am learning everyday to cope with. It´s … deeply innate(?) stuff. Like why when I was growing up, and mentally wasn´t that developed, I still felt the urge to cut off my down there. And almost tried to. Regardless of how my mind is, or how I feel about my gender, I just know that my body in its current state is wrong. I don´t feel comfortable with it. I never have. I know I should have a vagina, and I really want my vagina. In order for me to feel completely whole, I need to have a vagina. Once I have that, my gender will still do whatever.
They´re two completely independent areas. My gender (what´s going on in my head) doesn´t influence my feelings about my down there/physical stuff(voice/breasts/etc). The whole world sees my gender/portrayal of myself (clothes, mannerisms, voice), but they don´t see my down there. That´s for me. You can still fight the gender binary regardless of what´s down there.
There are many individuals who are happily male assigned at birth and still fight the gender binary and are even gender queer(I know one personally). And there are many individuals who are happily female assigned at birth and still fight the gender binary and are even gender queer(I´m good friends with one). It doesn´t matter what´s between your legs. Nobody sees it, unless you allow them too. It´s for yourself. It´s for your own comfort.
It´s our (society-viewed) problems with gender that make us transgender. But it´s our own problems with our down there that make us transsexual. And wanted to have our down there changed, even if to make our body match our minds, doesn´t for one moment mean that we support the gender binary. It just means that we want to feel whole. The gender binary is for everyone else. So society can feel happy and comfortable. And we´re not changing our bodies for society. We´re changing our bodies for ourselves.