Coming out to the house

So … I had to come out to the house today … I’m kinda in an emotional state right now with everything that’s coming up … so I’m not going to provide commentary before hand … this was the script that I typed up last night that I went over:

so far I‘ve talk to a few of you on an individual basis, and explained my situation. Except for Matt, I‘ve „come out“ to everyone at some time. Mark I don‘t know if you ever got my e-mail …

So … bascially, what‘s going on, is that I‘m transgender.

What is transgender ? Well … before we can talk about what it is, we have to talk about sex and gender.

So what is sex ? What is gender ? Well, they‘re actually two different things.

*draw line for sex*

Sex … there‘s not really much to it. Either you‘re have male genitalia, or you have female genitalia. Or you‘re intersex, and up until the last few years, if you were born intersex the doctors would‘ve surgically given you a sex, without the consent of your parents, but that‘s another story.

Gender … actually isn‘t just a word you can throw you, because you don‘t want to use sex. Gender isn‘t always your sex. Gender … sucks. For you all, it seems like you got lucky. Your gender matches your sex. I‘m completely jealous.

So … Gender, you actually already know what gender is. Gender is … how a person feels. And you see this, all the time, but you don‘t realize it. There are some guys who always work out, or are just buff, or maybe they‘re really scruffy and don‘t like to shave, and it‘s all about the jeans, and maybe they drive a truck, and have a deep voice. And you consider that a »manly man«. They probably play sports. Stereotypical male qualities. And then you have some guys who really know their fashion. And they‘re clean shaven, always looking their best. That‘s gender.

And then, think back to elementary school. I bet you can think of the girl who wore dresses quite often. Really pushed the pink, and was totally girly. And I bet you can think of a girl who refused to wear dresses, and acted boyish. Got dirty with the boys, and never cared about it. That‘s gender.

Gender is how male or female we feel about ourselves. You notice it more often in girls for a number of reasons, but I‘m going to shorten it to one main point: it‘s acceptable. You‘re not going to see a really feminine boy in school, because he‘s probably going to get beat up or teased.

*draw line for gender*

Gender is … how masculine or feminine you are.

Growing up … I had an older brother. My dad always wanted me to help him with the car, change the breaks/oil, whatever. Work out in the yard with him, pulling weeds, cutting grass, whatever. My parents raised me as a typical boy. But something just wasn‘t right … I‘d stand by my dad when he‘d work on the car, and I‘d just had him towels to wipe his hands. I wasn‘t gonna get in there and get my hands dirty. I hated yard work. I‘d find gloves in the garage, so that my hands wouldn‘t get dirty/I wouldn‘t get dirt in my nails. I‘d much rather go across the street and play with Madison.

School started, and I think I went by Nicky in Kindergarden, but I just felt out of place there. Years went by, and I still didn‘t know what was going on … my thoughts would drift to wishing that I were a girl. When playing games, I‘d choose the female character, and something was just right about it …

School progressed, middle school came and went, things didn‘t get clearer … Highschool came, and I tried to put these wierd feelings behind me. I was a guy, wasn‘t I ? Why don‘t I feel like one ? I never had anybody to talk about those feelings with … I never saw home as a place to talk about deep feelings like that …

I came to college here. Thinking I could put those wierd, antisocial years of highschool behind me. But something was up. I still pretty much kept to myself. Made one close friend. But I would write in my blog about … how I felt like I was just »going through the motions« as the song from the Buffy episode »One more with feelings.« »Going through the motions … loosing all my drive … I can‘t even see … if this is really me … and I just wanna be … aliiiiiiiiive.« I think I still have those articles online …

Anyway, sophomore year came … things didn‘t change … except one fateful day in December (this past december actually) … I was talking with a friend … and he I guess went out of his way to refer to me as a guy … and I just … blew up on him. I told him I didn‘t want to be a guy. I didn‘t feel like I was supposed to be a guy.

Anyway, from there, it‘s just went by quickly. He persuaded me to come to alliance. One of the girls recognized I was trans(didn‘t know anything about that). Thanks to Mel, last year, she persuaded me to go to therapy, and I got a confirmed diagnosis of gender dysphoria. Mentally … I was … pretty much female.

After spending time thinking about it … I decided to transition. Right after school let out, I was able to start hormones, and I did a lot of work over the summer. My breasts started growing. Skin got softer. There were … a few mental/physical changes, mainly just from lower testosterone levels, such as no anger, and slower growing facial hair. (my hormone levels are actually that of an adult female around my age). And I started working on my voice, and even did some plucking of my next hairs to help with getting rid of that stuff.

So, that brings it up to today. Where I‘m living as a girl (for the most part) … in a male suite … but VU has my gender as female now … so it might be interesting how that turns out … Anyway, I‘ll be going before a judge in October, to get my name legally changed.

So, what is transgender ? Well … for me, it‘s that my sex doesn‘t match up with how I feel. And I feel like my gender is where I should be, not my sex.

So, what does this mean to you ? Well … for some of you, it that you had a friend who was a guy … and is now being a girl …. For the rest of you … I *hope* that … I would just be a girl (with a little interesting situation).

I am going by Nicki now. And … would perfer the use of female pronouns … since that‘s how I feel, and how I‘m dressing/living. And I understand that it might be difficult to switch over … especially for those of you who got to know me in the house last year …

I will be dressing like a girl … or … well … in my own … we‘ll say „female“ style … I still gotta learn what‘s not a good day to wear a skit on. But, I do plan to be dressing somewhat conservativly. That means, I don‘t plan on showing cleavage(when I actually get cleavage) … I don‘t plan on wearing miniskirts … I‘m not comfortale showing that much leg in the first place … I will be doing makeup … or attempting … you know, think back to the first time you stated using makeup. It takes a bit … So, how you‘ve seen me dressing is pretty much how I‘m going to look. And I‘m actually *not* stuffing. There‘s actually no room to stuff …

I hope that it won‘t make you uncomfortable … seeing me like this. If that‘s the case … then maybe we can work something out … so it‘s not so much an issue for you. We(most of us) have an entire year ahead of us … and we‘re going to be living with eachother, unless VU decides to boot me from the male suite for some reason … And I just hope that … my transition won‘t get in the way …

Last year … I kinda felt somewhat ostracized … but … that was because I kept to myself in the first place, and come out to somebody who talked with the rest of the house, and since nobody heard anything from me, until much much later, everybody was afraid to talk to me about it. I want you to know, that my door is always open. If it‘s closed, nock to see if I‘m there. If I am, I‘m probably changing or sleeping. I‘m very open about my transition, and don‘t mind talking about it, or answering questions. I‘d much rather you come to me/ask me, than whisper with the others, and maybe not get the whole story.

Thoughts on “the gay”

so … something has been bugging me lately … the word »gay« as used by the manjority of society. If someone is »Gay«, they’re attracted to somebody who has the same genetailia as them. But it’s also used as like a “state of mind.” And we’re always talking about(in the gay community) how someone can’t just become straight, who was gay. That “ex-gay” therapy doesn’t work, they’re still gay, they just don’t act on their feelings. But then … look at me. I’m about(in x-years =P) to get surgery … to change my genetailia … so I’ll be gay. Huh ?

So, I decided to talk to a friend about her thoughts on the matter …

Nicki: I got a question for you
Manda: ❤ hallo
what does it mean to be gay ?
Manda: Gay?
Manda: It can mean to be happy, joyful and such, or can be used as a term such as someone attracted to teh same sex.
Nicki: but I don't like that definetion of attracted to the same sex …
Nicki: so if you have a transgender person, who are attracted to the sex they feel they are
Nicki: even though that person has different genetailia, than the sex they're attracted to, are they gay ?
Nicki: and does one just "become gay" through an operation ?
Manda: Uhm…
Manda: In your case;
Manda: Since your mindset is female, and your attracted to female, im guessing,
Nicki: *nods*
Manda: Even if you have physical male parts; and your mindset is female yes; and yoru attracted to, females…
Manda: I would say you could be considered lesbian in the sense of feelings, and ming and yeah…
Nicki: but then … being gay, isn't a matter of having the same genetals
Manda: Yeah.
Nicki: so, a "gay man" who feels feminine, and is attracted to men, isn't gay either
Manda: Yeah, like if your a man, but your female emotionally, and attracted to men, in that sense your not really gay..
Nicki: makes you think doesn't it ?
Nicki: societies concept of gay and straight is completly irrellavent
Nicki: if it's psychological ….
Nicki: then it's a mindset
Nicki: but if it's a mindset …
Nicki: a simple operation can't change that

I don’t mind being considered gay … that doesn’t bother me. But … just … how can I “become gay” through a surgery ? That doesn’t make sense.

Right now … even though I feel female, and am attracted to females … I don’t feel gay. I don’t feel “straight” either.

Just … this terminology is poop. So … If we look at gay is mental states, being attracted to someone of the same “gender”(not sex) … that means even when I was living life as a guy … I was gay. But … I wasn’t attracted to guys …

We need better terms for this stuff. Like … once I have my operation, my sexuality isn’t changing … but dammit, there we go again. What is sexuality ? It’s all about sex. Nothing to do with gender. So, even though I was attracted to femininity then, and am attracted to feminity now, and will probably be attracted to femininity afterwards … what I’m attracted to hasn’t changed, but yet … for some reason my sexuality has changed. Legally … appearently … It just doesn’t make any sense what so ever.

You can’t change how you feel. But I guess with a little operation, you can ^.^

My only suggestions to this …

Attracted to:
Males
Females

You can select one, you can select none. Does it make a difference ? *shakes head* You could even go a step further, and use masculinity or feminity instead … which would probably be better …

But, I doubt anybody in the straight community would like it, because it’s so important to know if somebody is a homo or a breeder.

Heart attacks

So … I was out shopping a week ago with my mom, and we were looking by some books, and one was about how heart attacks for females, are different than for men.

Now, my father is pretty close to having a having a heart attack, but he’s been cleaning up his act a bit … so it hasn’t happened … but because of that I’ve always heard about male heart attacks, and how they start as a “pain in the arm”.

So … I’m kinda wondering two things here:

1. how do female heart attacks start ?

and
2. since my hormone levels are now at female levels … do I need to watch out for signs of a female heart attack, or do I just worry about a male one ? Or both ?

Coming out to professors

So … classes are about to start … and to quite a few teachers’ suprise … I will be coming back as a girl. Pretty exciting huh ? Well … kinda … I’m also terribly nervous and anxious, and can’t sleep for anything -.-

But … since I go to a pretty small university, my classes are around 15 students each. Sometimes less. I know, right ?! So … and like … three our of my four professors are professors I’ve had before … and have believed for the past two years(I’ve known all of them that long) that I’m a guy … So there’s a *slight* issue … yeah … some things just … you know … need to be addressed >.>

Sadly only one of these four professors know of my transition. So as I’m sitting here in my single room, wondering how I’m going to pay for all this, and someday afford SRS, I’ve started coming out to my professors … Gotta do it sometime, right ? And better now, before classes start, than on the first day of class … with no time for explination, and just … total awkardness … yeah …

So, first up is my French prof, since I already needed to respond to his e-mail about class times:

Professor T.,
when classes start on Wednesday, you may notice something different about me this year, that doesn’t quite match up with what VU will tell you … and I thought I’d send you an e-mail beforehand …

As far as I can remember, I’ve been struggling with my identity, and who I am, specifically my gender, and why I was born male. These last few years, I tried to push aside these feelings/confusion, and not deal with it, because I wanted a normal life. Last winter, it blew up in my face. After going to Alliance and looking online, trying to find out why I feel this way, and after going to therapy, I found out that I am transgender. After giving it careful thought, I decided to transition.

What that means … in simplest terms, for your class, is that I will be coming back as a girl. I’m still working on my voice, in two other languages, but at least French can easily go up into high ranges … As for my name, legally I will (soon) be Nichola. In German and british English, it’s feminine … but I don’t know French names too well …

I hope this won’t create an issue in class (with the other students and otherwise …) and I hope to have a productive semester, despite my transition.

Of course after I sent it, I realized I left out two *very* important key parts: gender pronouns, and if you have any questions. As well as a thank you *facepalm*

Next up, German prof #1(#2 already knows): (wondering if I should do it in German or English …) German it is.

Liebe Professor B.,
ich weiß das wir letztes Semester ganz ganz kurz darüber gesprochen, dass ich dieses Jahr als Nichola zurückkomme. Was das heißt … ist … eigentlich mehr als nur eine Namenänderung … Obwohl ich das gleich in Oktober fertig mache …

Solange ich weiß … hatte ich Probleme … “mich” zu sein … besonders warum ich männlich geboren bin … In den letzten Jahren hab ich versucht … diese Gefühle zur Seite zu schieben … und ein “normales” Laben zu haben … Leider ist es nicht so gut gelungen. Im Winter letztes Jahr, konnte ich es einfach nicht mehr … und ich fing an zu lernen, was mit mir los ist. Ich bin zu Alliance gegangen und zur Therapie, und ich bekam eine Diagnose von Gender Dysphoria. Nach einige Zeit hab ich entschieden eine Transition zu machen, und als Mädchen zu leben.

Während des Sommers, fing ich an Hormonen zu nehmen, und mein Köper fang an sich zu ändern. Am Dienstag, wenn wir uns wieder sehen, werde ich als Mädchen kommen. Sie dürfen mich Nicki nennen, wenn sie glauben es wäre besser, so einen weiblichen Namen zu haben. Sonst bin ich ja Nichola. Und mir nach, hab ich keine Präferenz was ich benutzte. Legalisch gesehen, werde ich Nichola sein. Aber, Hauptsache, ist es weiblich.*Lächeln* Und ich hätte gern, dass Sie weibliche Pronomen mit mir benutzten.

Ich hoffe das meine Transition nicht stört … im Unterricht und so … Und falls sie welche Fragen haben, können Sie sie doch stellen.

Vielen Dank!

Now I just need to write an e-mail to a professor I’ve never met. And another one who’s giving me cello lessons >.< (I'll put those in here when I do them.