I mainly (at least lately) identify as pansexual. I’m been tossing out the term asexual every now and they because that is part of how I feel … I don’t know if it’s big enough or whatever.

It’s been 8 years since I’ve physically been with anyone. 8 years bascially, since I’ve really done something with someone and felt okay about it. All the other times (twice) were with somebody I slightly knew but wasn’t in a relationship with and with myself. In all those times, I felt horrible afterwards. And noing even happened. A girl tried to give me a hand job in a theater once, but couldn’t get me hard, let alone cum. I don’t know if that’s because I wasn’t in a committed relationship with them(most likely a factor) but also because I go into a sort of depression post orgasm.

As long as I can remember, after orgasm, my body doesn’t … I don’t know, calm down? My heart beat is still high, even 5 minutes afterwards, even though I don’t feel anything anymore. And I end up hating myself, which doesn’t help. And now since I’ve been on hormones for a year and a half, my orgasms last maybe 2 seconds and that’s it. There’s no distance anymore. And I don’t release anything(which is good on a cleanup level) but … It just seems like it’s pointless. There’s no pleasure. No sustanance.

And I’ve hated e male orgasm and never thought of it as an actual orgasm. I knew that female orgasms were somehow different, and enveloped the entire body and were earth shattering. And … I never got that … I got a few jerks in my groin and that was it. It never went through my entire body. It never moved. It was centered in my groin, if not outside my body down there. I hated it. I hated myself for masturbating. I hated receiving somewhat that was barely pleasure from my down there.

Ever since I was little, I knew I was different from boys and girls, but I didn’t know what it was. I though girls had penises too. And eventually they would become vaginas (once I saw porn and saw that women didn’t have penises). And the only thing I could specifically label and knew, is that I wanted a vagina. I knew that I wanted to pee sitting and didn’t care for the idea of peeing standing. I wanted an orgasm. An actual orgasm. I wanted to bleed. I wanted a female down there. But that’s all I knew. That’s all I could put into words/label.

I never did have sex. Partially because I always wanted to wait until marriage and in one really big relationship of mine … my partner lost their virginity to someone else and got pregnant. And so I just started to associate sex with betryal. I get uncomfortable when people talk about sex. I worked with rape victims. And I hated my own sex and desires for sex. I only got in relationships with people online, so sex would never be a possibility. And I still feel that way. When a close friend of mine (who I already knew had a baby) mentioned something referring to her having sex, I started feeling really bad, like I was betrayed.

When I think of myself with a vagina, I don’t know if I’d even be comfortable with my down there sexually … I think of vibrators and I still feel uncomfortable. I know I want one more than anything, but … I don’t know if I’d even be comfortable using it for anything sexually. Even with boy parts, aside from two girls trying to give me hand jobs, nobody has ever done anything down there. And even as it is, I don’t think I’d want anybody too. And as for somebody else’s down there … I don’t know. I’ve never been with somebody who had a penis. And when I think about interacting with a vagina, I jump to the conclusion that I like(d) it. But when I think back … I don’t remember if I ever got pleasure from it. The last girls I gave oral to, I don’t remember receiving any pleasure what so even. I remember being slightly turned on from them being naked/semi naked … But that’s it. I still felt horrible after the experience. And never did anything else with them again.

So there’s part of me that’s 100% content with not doing anything with somebody’s or my own down there. I don’t know (at least not since I started hormones) if I’d even be comfortable doing something to somebody’s down there. I just … I don’t know … There’s part of me that’s disgusted at the idea … But I don’t know … If we’d get to a point where we’d be super comfortable with eachother … I don’t know …

And then there’s the part of me that loves holding hands and cuddling and kissing and biting and hickies. And kissing still turns me on more than anything. And I miss that … And still want it … And I’ve still never had anything done to my boobs, so I don’t even know how I’d be with somebody with my upper half. *shrugs* And I don’t know enough about being asexual … To know whether or not I really am … Or how/if being in a loving committed relationship would effect me … *sigh* and I want that … And I want to be with someone … But … I don’t want to not be able to fulfill them …

I’d write more, but the wordpress app totally lost this post and I don’t feel like retyping it all now, so I’ll just iterate the points I made and maybe come back later to fill in the rest.

Anyway in the first draft, I talked about how I never pick up on the signs or flirts. I don’t even pick up on it in a freaking movie. They’re talking, next thing you know they’re in each other’s arms kissing. What the hell? Oh, right, now I see what that was about. And the same thing happens to me in real life. I’m talking with somebody, and either next thing I know they’re moving in to kiss me and I’m freaking out or I look back on it later and realize that they were trying to flirt/whatever and obviously it looked like I was wasn’t interested (when I had no idea what was going on).

And the other thing was the depression aspect. All my life, I’ve wanted that. A happy ending. Somebody falling for me(and see above, I won’t pick up on it, I never do, until they told me they did, but it’s too late now). Hell, even just having somebody to hold me at night when I need it. But I never got it. And an starting to loose hope. And then my roommate has her boyfriend come visits and that’s a quick jab. And then my sister talks about her amazing boyfriend and there’s another jab. And then another sister talks about her amazing girlfriend and it just hits hard. I’ve never had any of that.

And on top of the depression and relationships, I always see heterosexual couples and then gay couples. And I ask myself where do I fit in. A guy isn’t going to want to date a girl with a penis(unless he’s a tranny chaser and I want nothing to do with that) and then how can a lesbian be with somebody who has a penis? I don’t know where I belong, or where I could be. Or even if there’s anybody out there for me. Or if transitioning is just making it harder to find a partner.

Anywho, here’s a facebook convo up ’til today:

Z.

Hey there Nicki,

Ok, so I have been pondering things since last weeks class. First and foremost I want to say thank you for being so open about this. That is very awesome that you are so open about the topic. I guess the best way to kick things off just trying to get a feel for what you have been going through with this whole process. For instance: 1) How have you noticed people around you, from family to strangers, react to knowing that you are a transgendered female? 2) Also, what is the process that you go through with switching genders…is it all through hormone treatments as you were discussing after last class, or do you have to endure surgeries as well?

Well, I guess we can start with those and see where it leads us…I look forward to seeing you this evening at class.

Me:

Hi,
Well, a wonderful example for your first question is what just happened with the red cross. And this isn’t the first time.

I came in and presented them with my state ID(that says female and they couldn’t find me in the system. They left me under my old name (I had a legal name change a year and a half ago) and they still had me in the system as male, even though my identification from the state says female.

So after discovering that I’m trans, they actual did try to change me in the system to female, but then quickly made me take the questions over as male. And even though I have breasts and present myself as female, I was told to take a seat “young man”. One woman who helped me and didn’t know my situation used female pronouns like there’s no issue. But the moment they’re “informed” they just to male pronouns and I have to correct then every time.

Same thing with the university. They refuse to put my in the system as female. And I fought with them, and they told me no, and I brought it before the diversity and concerns committee.

What it usually comes down to is groups/administrations/whenever actual identification comes into play, problems arise. And people assume.

A woman can present her female id with no problem. But if I present it, and somebody knows I used to have male it, it no longer is about identification, but they have to ask me what’s between my legs, and if I’ve had surgery. It doesn’t matter that my hormone levels are that of a female in her 20s. It doesn’t matter what my id says. And when I refuse to tell them what is between my legs (because, let’s be honest, it’s none of their business) they assume that I haven’t had surgery, and therefore question my gender and proceed to use male pronouns. And that’s discrimination. Legally, I am a female. And they are not treating me, as they would treat a female.

Other than that, fellow students, professors, when I come out to them and explain my situation, they have absolutely no problem whatsoever. And kindly use female pronouns as if it’s no big deal. Even if they knew me previously as a guy.

As for family … We’ll say they try to be supportive and are. Both sets of pronouns donget thrown around, but there is no malice or bad intentions behind it.

As for the process, it depends on the individual. Hormones are usually necessary depending on the age. For deeper voice, facial hair (for trans men) and breasts, softer skin, lighter hair (for trans women). But, after a certain age, hormones won’t have to much of an effect.

Surgeries as well depend on the individual. Trans men often have top surgery (breast reduction). Not too many continue to get bottom surgery, because it’s so expensive and the results aren’t even the best.

Trans women on the other hand, more often than not, will get bottom surgery. It ranges from 10-20k and the results are often farily good. As long as they have enough tissue to work with, the penis can easily be inverted and a faux vagina can be created without much trouble and it’s often impossible to tell a faux vagina from a real one. (there was a trans woman on the real world a while back and the men didn’t believe she had surgery. So, the three white girls each took pictures of their coochies and presented them to the guys, and none of them could pick the trans woman’s)

Also depending on how early/late in life a trans woman starts hormones, it will determine how much natural breast growth they will have. (the earlier one starts in life, best before 20) the more natural growth they would have). Otherwise implants may be necessary, depending on how satasfied they are with their bodies.

Personally, surgery is part of my transition. Because a lot of my mental anguish (that’s kinda the best way to describe it) is centered around what I was given at birth.

Z.

Wow, sounds like there is much more there than meets the eye…I guess I figured there was a lot going on there with the community in general and their thoughts & opinions about the situation, but I guess I didn’t know it was to that extent. So, why do you think that people have such trouble with coming to terms with transgendered individuals? Do you think that it is just a lack of knowledge & understanding about the topic or do you think that people find it “against the norms”, such as gay & lesbian individuals, so they think that it is “unnatural” so to speak so they look down on it?

In your last paragraph, you talked about your “mental anguish” that was centered around what was given to you at birth…which I am assuming was your penis. Looking at it now from a female aspect now, is that anguish that you experienced in having a penis going to to affect future relationships with guys in the future if it gets to the point of getting physical with them? Or was the anguish at a personal level for you because you had a penis and you knew that you should be a female and now it is more natural to be in the position that you are in?

Well, I guess that will give some stuff to go on for now…I look forward to talking with you soon. Take care & be safe.

Me:

Well, I’ll jump in on the moral anguish part first and make a few comments regarding your thoughts.

Growing up, sexuality was something that (and still to some extent) eludes me. There’s talk that we’re all born bisexual. And this distaste for “same sex” has been … More/less tought to us. Fathers usually talk to their sons about getting a girlfriend. All the movies we see are centered around the male/female partnering. Especially Disney movies. The princess always get’s a man. And I think that helps shape our opinions of who we should be with.

Personally, I never picked up on that. I was more focused on the distaste with my own body and gender roles that I never picked up on what was normal. And honestly, it never occurred to me that boys liked girls and girls like boys. I just thought people liked whoever they felt like liking. Plus, at that age, I had no concept of “down there” on either side (boys or girls). I had seem porn, and a vagina (in an older woman), but I thought that girls were born with penises too and maybe it’ll just grow in someday to form a vagina.

So, for the most part, boys and girls seemed the same for me. The only difference was how they presented, or rather more as I felt, how they were allowed to present themselves.

When I did become sexually aware, I was actually somewhat bisexual. Didn’t know it then and now as I know more, bisexual isn’t exactly the right term, but for a cisgender(not transgender) prospective, it get’s the point across. My first crushes and actual relationships though, turned out to be with women. And they were actually quite fulfilling. (I never did get sexually involved with them, because of the distaste with my down there).

When I look back at it now, I haven’t changed much. I don’t necessarily base … Someone’s “eligiblility”(not the best word, but it works) on what’s between their legs. I fall for somebody’s personality first. I don’t really care what’s between their legs. We’ll figure something out if it get’s that far. It’s more the gender (identity) that I fall for (as well). It could be that growing up living as a male, I developed a distaste for guys and masculinity and masculine personalities(I was mainly disgusted by typical guys). And that probably played the biggest role in who I would fall for. And it’s because of that, that I usually just use the label of lesbian, since that cisgendered sexual term is a “quick explanation”. But, since I fall for gender, and not sex, I would be more inclined to be with a transwoman (even pre operation), because of her female personality than to date a transman, even though he may have a vagina.

So, sex (what’s between our legs) never really played a big role in who I felt I should be with. Plus, we’re going to get really close and mentally intimate, before any physical intimacy comes into play. *especially* if I were to be with a guy, because of “tranny chasers”. Men, who identify as straight men, but go out of their way to date pre operation transwomen and *only* date them because they still have their penis. So I just wanna avoid that all together and stick with a lesbian label.

So, to sum it all up, it was completely personal anguish. There’s pretty much two levels of my transition.

There’s the external, how I present myself. I feel very feminine and want to be able to wear skirts and shave my legs and wear makeup and nail polish and just be my bubbly self. And yes, guys can shave their legs and there are kilts and they can sometimes wear clear nail polish and they can wear pink and have long hair, etc, as my father first told me, along with a bunch of people, and they’re right. 100%. And honestly, I think guys should be able to wear skirts and be as feminine as they want to, without being gay. It’s that gender presentation part. I don’t like the idea of there being “limitations” on how you can present yourself. And that’s the surface part of my transition. What people see. All my life, especially in high school, I so wanted to wear a summer dress. I wanted that flower dress. And there was some anguish there, in that I simply couldn’t wear it. It would be social suicide. There was no way I could.

And then there’s the deeper level of my anguish. The part that fuelled my suicidal and self-amputative thoughts. The face that I couldn’t stand with the girls. I couldn’t be that girl friend. From the moment I knew what a vagina was, I knew I wanted one. And I knew that fit me better. Hell, I even though mine would grow. Same thing with my breasts. I thought they would develop eventually on their own. I never really thought of myself as “male”. More … Pre female. And when puberty hit … I lost that pre female concept and just plummeted into depression.

And that’s the majority of it. It’s the part of the iceberg that you don’t see. Where the mental aguish comes from.

As for with other people … I’ve had mixed results. From the religious community, I’ve had three girls tell me that they think I’m going against God’s will and that it’s not natural.

But, I personally don’t see it as going against God’s will, because I just see it as just a random occurrence that God never “choose” for me. Think of it as an autistic child. Do we attribute that to God’s will ? Did God want a child to be autistic.

I guess with the religious community, it’s that they don’t understand it and can’t find a way to justify it. (when in actuality the bible really condoms the entire transition).

With my father, it was that he didn’t understand (and he kept commenting how there never were any signs) but he was worried about me. And how I would be treated. He’s since moved from that stance and is starting to support me.

The rest of the community just … Either believe that you’re always the sex you were born as and nothing will change that, then there’s the group that just won’t believe that you’re the new gender until surgery and even then, it’s kind of you’re still not really the new gender. I think it’s the same not understanding and possibly tied into the old definitions on how I can’t really be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a transvestite(dresses in opposite sex’s clothing for sexual kick)

A year ago, I fell madly for a girl. And we clicked and were good friends and it was awesome. Until I found out that she didn’t feel the same way. And wasn’t comfortable with the idea of being with somebody who doesn’t have a vagina. So we just kinda started going apart. I thought I got over her, but I’m not sure if I ever really did.

Today we decided to do dinner with one of her friends. And the subject of her crush came up. And her summer crush(who happened to not have a vagina). So she’s kinda well on her way … And yet part of me still feels something for her. Long story short, the evening consisted of me and her friend giving her the courage to ask her crush out to lunch.

It was bittersweet. Like, I know I feel something for her, but she’s already going gaga over somebody. So I just tried to be the friend. Help her through taking the first step. So I was just the friend. And of course it always happens this way. I become friends with those whom I fall for. And nothing ever comes out of it, because I’m a good friend, but never a close friend. And never anything else.

As we parted for the night, she gave me a big tight hug. Kinda like an I missed you, I’m glad we’re friends again hug. =/

On Saturday, I get up and check my email, to find I have a message from somebody on OkCupid(a dating site). It was quite the suprising message and next thing I knew I got an im from her. And we bascially chatted for *numerous* hours. About dating, sex, me being trans. What it came down to, it that it seemed like we’d be pretty good together.

And next thing I knew, I was falling for her. There was only one problem: sex. She’s more sexual than I want to imagine myself being. And if not talked about and figured out, this could screw me up mentally, even worse than I already am. (FYI: I’m not comfortable with down there.) So of course she starts invading my mind. And I just wanna chat with her again.

Do I seriously need to fall for girls this easily ?? But in my defense, we did openly talk about dating and were both looking forward to it. Anyway, I asked a good friend of mine today, slightly jokingly, why I had to fall for people so hard. And she said because I’m lonely.

And that sums it up pretty well. Which made me start worrying … Am I going to do something I’m going to regret? Just because I’m lonely, am I gonna end up disregarding signs from my body and end up screwing myself over mentally ?

It kind of all started In the fall semester of 2009. I though about joining a sorority so I could have a sense of family, after a rift in my own started opening … Anyway, one of my best friends from freshman year had joined a sorority last year and told me about it being a multicultural sorority. I was interested, in that multiculturalism is kind of a big thing for me.

After talking with my friend to make sure I had the right intentions, she brought it up at one of their meetings. Letting them know that a transwoman was interested, and appearently it was unamious. They all were interested in having me.

So I went through recruitment events and got to know some of the sisters. It was a lot of fun. We went to the beach and bowling. And we even did movie night. All that was left, was the formal dinner.

Now, this was of course before I was able to get the name or gender on my license changed. Which would cause some problems. Because it said male, I would bascially be a male joining a sorority, to everybody else. And that could cause a lot of problems down the road. My sisters would support me, but from the outside, it could stirr up a lot of unwanted dialogue and other random issues.

So, the sorority had to ask the head of Greek life to see what she thought. She then escillated it to the dean of students. And I remember that faitful day in September. Probably the 8th or 9th. I sat down with the president and my friend. And the president told me what the dean of student’s decision was. And I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t. The president left the room to print out the e-mail from the dean, and I just started crying infront of my friend. “It’s just something I have to live with.”

The president came back and handed me the e-mail. I could barely read it. The dean said “until my driver’s license said female(ie. Surgery) I wouldn’t be able to join. And that was a horrible day for me. I almost got ran over on the way back to my dorm too.

So I spent that entire night crying. I texted a friend telling her I really needed somebody. But she never responded. I cried for a couple hours and then tried to just forget it all.

School progressed. The fall semester ended. I got about a 2.8. And I forgot about the sorority. Winter break came. And just before it was over, I went to Social Security to finally get my name change moving. (I got the court order the previous summer).

And the once that was done, I was able to go to the BMV and ironically they changed my gender marker … with no problems. And it occured to me … That was all I needed to join the sorority.

So I immediatly sent an e-mail to my friend and she told the president, and we agreed to meet the following day. The president informed me that she had permission from head of Greek life for me to join, and handed me an application to fill out, which was due the following day. -.-

So, after those seemingly random series of events, that one would think were controlled by either karma or some higher power, I was able to join, at the very last possible moment. If any of those events(getting my gender change on my state id, talking to the president, getting word from nationals/university) where delayed by a day, I wouldn’t have been able to join.

But I was, and I stayed up until 4am that night, filling out the application that would be due the next day. And before I knew it, I was an associate member, going through the new member process. There was a lot to do (more than for your average sorority) … and it was slighly overwhelming at first … and I was doubting whether or not I really wanted to join …

And I thought about why I wanted to join, when I tried the previous semester. I wanted to join, because I wanted a family. My parent’s were doubting me, my father was by no means happy with all of this, let alone wanted nothing to do it with it. I needed more than just allies in our gay straight alliance.

I still didn’t have a family, at least how I’d like to have one. I still needed close friends. My reasons hadn’t changed.

Although it was a stressful time being an associate member/pledge, it was an expierence I would never trade. I’m proud to not only be a sister, but to call some of the most wonderful women not only my sisters, but my family. I love you all. =)

Hey, I was just wondering how you went about talking to [uni] before you came back as a female. I don’t know exactly what I need to do and was wondering if you could help me.

it’s a bitch actually … um … well thankfully I had a single, so that helped out quite a bit …

do you mean negociating/working things out with [uni] itselff, or with other students ?

As with VU, they bascially gave me the cold shoulder. Before they would change my name, I had to provide them with legal documents. You chould theoretically go to the registrar, and tell them you’d like to have a preferred name … and then bug IT about changing your e-mail to that. I did that first, and although it was tricky, and I had to do some hops on my own, it was dooable …

The main worry for me was with the professors, because the attendance sheet would say one thing, and if they called attendance … well … they’d see something else … thankfully, the majority of the profs I had, I had previously, and they were perfectly fine with my transition, and I told them about using female pronouns and what name I would be using, and they were okay with it.

I did however have a prof that I never had before (Prof Whitefield, were you in that class?) … and I just never took the time to come out to him … Bascially I just kept coming to class as I did, as a girl, and instead of writing my full name on my papers, I just wrote my last name. That way, when he was calling names to give the papers back, he would only say my last name. That way there weren’t any awkward moments in class or anything.

other students though … is a completly different story. I only came out to a few close friends on mine. Since I was in the German house, and we were going to be close to each other, and since I was sharing a bathroom two guys (ew), I decided it would probably be best to come out to the house, since there’s a girl, living in a suite with two guys (which isn’t suppsosed to happen). –I might be able to fish out an outline of what I said to the house if you’d like.

That was … an expierence in itself. Because I want to sit down individually with each one of my housemates (except I never sat down with my sutie mates XD) and explain my situation to them on a one-on-one basis before I talked to the house. Of course there were mixed results. A few people didn’t mind. Two people told me outright they felt what I was doing was a sin, one of which refuses to use female pronouns or call me by my girl name. and one of them(my old roommate, who’s a grade A *douche* that doesn’t do anything except give you infections) who was like … “well, you’re Nick.” *sigh* so it was a mixed bunch … not always the best of situations(at dinner, one girl would continiously call me by Nick, then my closest friend in the house would go “who?” and she’s be all “Him” *points to me*, and he’d be “what him?”, I love him to do death, but yeah =/ —but chances are you’re not goign to be in close intimate situations like me. and thankfully I was removed from campus life being over the German house …

Other than that, I didn’t really come out to anybody, unless I was working in a group with them, and they had taken a class with me before. That way it wouldn’t be overly awkward, and I could call out the elephant before it takes away from the group. Other than that, I just kept going to class as a girl, dressing as a girl, attempting to raise my voice, which … morning voice is a bitch. That’s all I’m saying. Regardless, my classes were small, and the other students were decent/respectful. They most likely knew, but I just never brought it up. My profs used female pronouns, and a female name. If somebody had a problem with it, they usually just didn’t pronouns, and just said my name. (Which is pefectly fine with me, I have moods where I’m bascially like screw pronouns–but I doubt Valpo is the place to go pronounless, or gender neutral pronouns …)

It started off with me being forced to go to Chicago with my parents (and I really didn’t care to go, I just wanted to stay at home). So we were in Chicago, at I think the hotel my dad works at, and I went off to watch a movie or something, in a room that was of course exactly like a room in an old house (but that’s kinda irrellevent) and I sat next to a friend I knew … I guess I was looking for her … and she was excited to see me, and next thing I knew, I was sitting up right next to her and we were holding hands. At first it was all silly an rather jokingly/meaningless.

But then I had to go out to talk to my parents, who were doing to go back, or something. And I of course didn’t want to go with them again, but I had to, so I went back in the room to say good by to my friend, and I went behind the couch to say goodbye to her and she leaned her head back to say good bye … and the next thing I knew … we kissed … and it was beautiful … and we were holding hands as I had to walk away … just … amazing … I felt so wonderful … because I knew she liked me … and we could’ve started a relationship …

But then I had to wake up … and realize that it was all just a dream … and it was so sad …

is it wrong to want to have a partner? Aside from being a girl/finally being able to be myself, there’s nothing I want more than to have somebody … To know that somebody loves me, and that they’re there for me … I just need that little bit of happiness, to help me get through the day …

Today has just … well this past week pretty much sucked. I feel like I need to take up drinking … Sadly that’s become a normal finals feeling … it seems as if anxiety and all this stress is a biproduct from transitioning …

This morning was at least interesting … I woke up around 7, which was great, when I wanted to get up, but since my phone never went off, I didn’t get out of bed … so I went back to sleep … and I started dreaming that I was doing whatever, and then in some car and it was dark out, and I glanced over at the time, and it was 1. It felt as though it were 1pm, which is when I have my french final … so I was of course missing it … but I didn’t feel like rushing to get to it. I didn’t know where I was for one, but like … it’s as if I just didn’t want to go …

And I just got the feeling that I didn’t wanna have to deal with it. I didn’t wanna deal with not taking the final, or maybe just not dealing with it altogether. It was bascially a “screw this” moment. I don’t remember feeling like I was dreaming, but I somehow forced that “world” away, and I guess almost like a reverse Alice in Wonderland, I pulled myself of the dream, and woke myself up …

After a while, I brought myself to get out of bed. And realized that the final is probably my last chance to save myself in that class. So I managed to get up, and eventually I made it out front to do some studying, and I went over the vocab. Vocab’s always been a big issue for me in french class. So I went over them, wrote out all terms that I knew were going to be on the test. But then … I just didn’t care to anymore … I took my estrogen, because I hadn’t taken it earlier. And then a few hours later, I walked over to my french final.

The vocab I didn’t have a problem with … that was fine … sadly that group was only 10points … the problem was the essays. I had two hours. I finished the vocab in about 30 minutes, and then went to the essays, and didn’t know what to do for any of them. It was the kind of essay where you’re giving an except from something, and then you have to write the kind of paper that would be published in scholarly magazines by a professor trying to get tenure. And I don’t mean just summerize. Actually go in there, and nit pick everey single word, try to find 40 hidden messages and all these literary devices. Bascially all that. And then do it in french.

It took me an hour and 40 minutes to figure out what the hell I was goign to write for one essay, let alone understand the excerpt and actually write about it … I only had an hour and a half. I only managed to get in two sentances on the other essay with my prof staring at me waiting for me to wrap it up. I botched the first essay (40 points) and got two sentences on the second(also 40points). He expected us to write 5 paragraphs for each. It doesn’t help when you have comprehension issues and half the time is spent trying to understand what the excerpt is actually saying. I almost started crying during the final when it dawned on me, that I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t concentrate. My mind kept going blank. I don’t know if that was because of the new estrogen, or because I’m switching brands. There’s no way I even got 50% on that essay. And I needed to pass that class. It was the last one for my minor. And it won’t be offered until the spring, which means there’s a couse which I have to plan my spring schedule around, which could mean that I might not be able to take the intro to gender studies course.

I went to head back, and saw a text from the only sister in my sorority who I could talk about just about anything with … and she’s not coming back next semester.

So I got back to my dorm, feeling horrible. And just took a shower, standing in there for a good 20 minutes just letting the water run over me. I was slightly looking forward to getting away tonite and tomorrow … but as much as I needed to get away, I don’t know if going to my parent’s house was the best idea …

My dad asked me in the car on the way back to my parent’s house, what was the best thing school wise this semester. And … after I bit of a pause … I said my sorority. Just … knowing that I have sisters that love and accept me, for me. And I started tearing up. 1, I’ve never had sisters before. In america anyway. 2, I feel like there’s a rift in my own family, like I’m an outcast. 3, knowing that people love me and support me … just helps get me through the day. It’s something that everybody needs.

I guess I’ll end this one on a positive note like that, even though it’s not how I feel … *sigh*